indieHealer

As I awoke this morning, there was a list of things to do in my mind on this off day. Most days when I don’t have plans, I tend to find my mind busy with a to-do list and immediately get confronted with a mild low-key form of imposter syndrome of living as an adult human and just existing in some form of worth and love for myself. I tend to find a way to pause and slow down to move away from a level of scarcity and anxiety about what I need to accomplish. Yet this is a default way I wake up and connect with this waking space until I practice strengthening the consciousness of creating a new experience with my thoughts. This took years of practice and it will take more years of improvement and today- something shifted.

As I edged out of my meditation I read and made a list of things I wanted to accomplish. Feeling into my body I desired to return to a place of silent contemplation or reflection. I felt into my body and I could feel this electricity that I often feel during a deeper meditation but this time something greater was present. As I continued to breathe and be a witness to the surges of energy, I started hearing the words, “trust in you.” Alongside those words came more and I listened to the lesson that was beginning to rise and fall in my body. There is no way I can repeat what I heard but the primary message is in those words. The subtext is recognizing there are zero actions/thoughts that will validate my existence and worth. Those would be conditions of creation.

Our being is not conditional. And since I am the creator- we are creators, the unconditioned law is we are worthy, whole, and love irrespective of our thoughts and actions. Period. Therefore, the performativity of my days in thinking I must do something subconsciously to prove my worth, validation of success, of illustrating I am a healthy being, of any type of being is antithetical to my real existence. Only in the illusory forms of separation do I have to validate my wholeness. Yet to really know this, we have come to an Earth to witness the separation to return to the knowing that it is but an illusion.

The paradox is the separation at any point throughout my days are invalid truths, yet I need those concepts of forgotten wisdom to recognize the same wisdom is shown to me by those reflections.

What I speak of is subtle. I don’t know how else to explain this, but to say, I am not consciously thinking I am unworthy or separated. But if I look at this house plant and see just “a house plant” that is where my ignorance lies. Pierce those words ” my ignorance lies.” The forgetfulness and unknowing of who and what I really am is constantly lying to me when I have forgotten the truth of my materia and immateria interconnectedness. If I don’t go to the store and tell myself later “oh man, why didn’t I make it to the store today, I guess I can do that tomorrow and the tone is whispering do better, that is my unworthiness.

Do I feel so unworthy I won’t be able to ever go to the store, no! But working in extremes with these examples aren’t always the greatest use to connect to the teachings. For me the granular banal actions I often fight in my life which stir up disconnected thoughts of “how I must be and how I should act” are what is required of me to face the truth of my real creative power.

I am the houseplant.

I made the choice not to go to the store.

To some, these words might be commonplace or easy to mentally understand but I would ask does your heart feel them when they are read or said aloud? This is the edge of the precipice I am personally arriving to at this time: allowing for my mind to connect to my heart in this place. My heart is already aware, ready, and willing, to show me the way. My mind ignores, skips, denies, doubts, and superficially accepts this truth. It’s important to know what that means and feels like, especially the superficial acceptance part. If I am feeling restriction from my wholeness and judging myself at such a micro level then I am superficially being.

I am more in my mind than in my heart when there are feelings of separation or a need to prove and validate. I am walking around like a wooden boy, like Pinnochio instead of a real boy when I am just entertaining the mind and what just lies right in front of me. Sure the heart is still present. Spirit is still present, love is still present and yet to feel into the freedom of the heart, the gateway to peace, my toes tap into the surface and then I must eventually dive deeper underwater into the nature of ignorance and falsehoods where I find the light and truth. As much as duality has been given such a bad rep, it is the nature of one of our laws on this planet and when we come to terms in accepting this, the yin and yang of it merge as the whole of which we are and always have been.

Here I am writing after a nap ,food, and a small workout. Here I am after coming to a realization that I can slow down enough to remind myself of the re-remembering that is to take place for my soul evolution. Trusting in me means to know I’m all that is and ever will be in the heart of the creator. I have nothing to prove to justify my breath or existence here on earth. My actions are my actions; my thoughts are my thoughts. I will continue to refine them and put pressure on them lovingly to create the diamond mind of alignment. Judging won’t do that. Acceptance will. I have proven everything by being here and… being here. So many more words were given in such an electrifying and beautiful way on this topic from my meditation, yet words can only do so much to offer one’s creator self to activate and explore the feelings within to embody their truth as I am practicing mine.

The gateway to embodied knowing and truth can start with the practice of meditation. In these moments I come to recognize my wholeness in the unspoken, unwritten word of Love. Many folks talk about meditation as if it’s another form of exercise to improve oneself or a condition to move throughout the world in peace. This is what I mean by the antithetical, ignorant formations of illusion and distortion we have created to dance in. We are the practice. We are the breath. We are the knowing. We are the body. We are the meditation. We are the forms. We are the unspoken, unwritten word of Love. We are Love. We are it. We are the isness and therefore the realization of what we are then formulates the existence of what it is. We are Creation.

When I pause and do not judge myself, I then practice pausing in not judging another. When I see I am the air to which I breathe then I recognize the sacred nature of how I am responsible to support the health and well-being of the air on this planet. This planet that I am. When I am in recognition of the power of my creation as the creator of my life, I can act in a way that is deeply powerful to reflect a world that which I want to see and be in. What do you choose to create? How do you choose to give, receive, and experience love on this day? What words are required of you to speak to recognize your wholeness without conditions? What is your gateway practice?

What are you?